


With you for always

by StormyBear30



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-09
Updated: 2011-10-09
Packaged: 2017-10-24 10:36:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/262523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone is ready to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With you for always

“He wants to see you”

“Can’t…busy…busy”

“Why…up to your old tricks again”

“Never old ones…and never the same ones twice”

“He’s ready you selfish prick…it’s time”

“I said I’m busy”

“He’s waiting for you…he won’t go until he sees you”

“Good…maybe that’s what he needs”

“He needs to go…it’s time for him to go…but as usual you are being a selfish prick about everything. Why don’t you stop thinking about yourself and your dick and get your ass over to the hospital…because he’s suffering. He’s suffering and it’s all because of you”

I watch as she leaves…nearly jumping out of my skin as she slams the metal door of the loft in her haste…leaving me alone…or somewhat alone as the trick I have been fucking stares up at me as if he doesn’t know what to do. I know what he needs to do…he needs to go before I tear every strand of his dark hair from out of his head. “Get out…” I nearly whisper as I pull my newly softened dick from out of his ass…falling backwards upon the bed behind me. “I said…get the fuck out” I yell again…scaring the fuck out of him as he jumps off of the bed and literally races for the door. Destructive guilt washes over me as I continue to lay here as images of another cloud my head. I want to cry…but I can’t. I want to scream…but the energy required to omit the sound has left me and so I just lay here. I lay here and remember a time when life was wonderful and I was happy. You don’t believe that it’s true…don’t believe that it was possible for me to be as gloriously happy as I was. You have to trust me on this when I tell you that I was as happy as I could ever possibly have been and it was all because of him. But…now everything has changed and I am completely and utterly devastated…again all because of him.

FLASHBACK…

Life was good…wonderful even. I had started a new business after having an unfortunate situation happen at my previous place of employment. Business started off slow…but eventually after lots of hard work and persistence everything just sort of fell into place. I was happy. I was satisfied…but I wasn’t fully content. I was tired of being alone…tired of @#%$ nameless men who only gave me empty pleasure only to leave me alone once again once the deed was done. I had tried being in a “relationship” if you will…but as was predicted it blew up horribly in my face when the one that I thought I loved got tired of being compared to…stood up and basically ignored when it came to another. I tried to make it work…I really did…or as much as I could considering that I was totally in love with someone else. I loved him with my whole being. Loved him with my mind…my heart and with my soul…but was never able to prove this so to him. Other’s knew. Hell…he knew…but I was too afraid to lose the friendship that meant everything to me…was everything to me. No man had a chance with me…not even the ones that I attempted to give my heart to…but how can you give your heart to someone when some body else already owned it.

I knew that he loved me…or maybe it was just a strong suspicion at the beginning. I really didn’t know because when it came to him I never knew what to think…or what to expect. He was thrilling and tantalizing. Predictable…and yet not so much. He could bring me up out of the darkest funk…only to deliver me back with his cruel words some times. He was handsome and strong…beautiful and heavenly all rolled into one. He could be naive and innocent one minute and strong and determined the next. He was perfection in every way…at least in my eyes because for some reason others didn’t view him the same way that I did. Years went by…years wasted because of fear and stupidity on both of our parts…until that fateful night where everything and nothing changed in a second.

I still don’t know how it happened…but it did. One minute we were dancing at Babylon and then the next we were at the loft @#%$ our brains out. That night was glorious and frightful to me. Glorious in that I was finally making love to the only man that would ever own my very soul…and then frightful because I had no clue as to what was going to happen to us once the making love part was over. Jesus…I can still remember everything about that night. I can remember the way that he smelt…the way that his skin tasted as I partook in my first taste of his manliness. I remember the heat of his skin as it pressed against mine…the salty wetness of his sweat as we fucked each other senseless into the wee morning hours. I remember every cry that erupted from his lips as we continued to make sweet…sensual love…only to combine with my own cries of pleasure as the night progressed.

I remember the slight hesitation in his eyes as we lay there afterwards…neither of us knowing what to say or what to do now that the long awaited deed had been done. I remember the feeling of calm that quickly came over me as I once again looked into those beautiful eyes of his…knowing exactly at that moment that I was lost. I knew that for me there was no going back and as I leaned down to kiss him softly…I knew that finally he felt the same about me. We were bond together from that night on…more so then we had ever been in the past. We gave up the haunts and the loneliness of the past and settled into the comfortable and un-wavering love of our future. That however…was until he discovered the lump on his chest that would change our lives forever.

It was nothing he told me that first night that he found it drying off after taking a shower. The truth was that I believed him. Why shouldn’t I have…it was just a silly lump that would more then likely go away in a day or two…right? Wrong…it never went away. If fact over the course of a few months it only got larger and larger. I was completely concerned…but he…he just brushed it off like it was nothing at all. In fact the only reason that he even went to the Doctors at all to have it examined was because I threatened no more sex every if he didn’t. They ran some tests…assured us that they were sure that it was nothing to be truly concerned about and that they would call us when the results were in. Life went back to normal after that…and then in a matter of a few days it got twisted upside down and inside out.

“It’s cancer” the doctor said as we sat in his office…hands clasped together…smiles on our face because we knew that this had all been a colossal waste of time. The smiles however…well they disappeared in an instant and I haven’t smiled the same again since that day. We were both stunned and confused because men weren’t supposed to get breast cancer. That was a disease that was exclusive to only women…or so we thought. It turned out that breast cancer was quite prevalent in men as well and he just happened to be one of the not so lucky ones. Again they assured us that with a simple procedure that they could remove this cancer and our lives would be back to normal once again. And so we believed once again. Why wouldn’t we…they were the Doctors and they knew what they were talking about. Didn’t they?

He tried to put on a brave front the day of the surgery…but I could see the fear in his eyes…could feel it course through his body as he held onto my hand. I assured him the best that I could. I used any means possible to let him know that I knew that everything was going to be alright…despite the fact that I was just as scared as he was. I sat alone in the lobby that whole day…because he didn’t want anyone to know about what was happening to him. I wanted to tell him…wanted to have them by our side as we went through this ordeal…but I saw to his wishes as I tried to keep myself occupied during that time…or risk losing my mind completely. They kept him overnight after the surgery to ensure that there were no complications and asked him to come back six months later for a follow up. Life went semi back to normal after that…but the scare had been enough to help us make the biggest decision of our lives.

Brian Kinney and Michael Novotny officially became husband and husband six weeks later in the beautiful state of Vermont. We flew only our closest friends and family members to the ceremony were we exchanged the vows that would bind us together forever. The reception afterwards was quaint and lovely as we shared our happiness with the ones that we held dearly within our hearts…only to excuse ourselves afterwards as we consummated our union. I was finally truly happy…finally truly content and then once again the rug was tugged from under our feet…and it all went down hill at the speed of light after that.

Six months later as we awaited his follow up testing…we learned that the cancer was back. It was back and it was back with a vengeance. It was so severe that no amount of surgery was going to be able to cure it. Their recommendation was chemotherapy…a word that chilled me to my very core. I didn’t know much about it…but as I read the literature that they had given us to prepare us for the possibilities…I knew far more then I ever wanted to know about men’s breast cancer and how to treat it. The treatments began immediately…as just as quickly the side effects set in. From the first treatment I knew that our lives were going to be hell on earth for the both of us. Him…because he had to deal with the physical effects and myself because I was the one to had to hold him…sooth him…be there for him in a positive light despite the fact that I felt as if I was slowly losing my mind. Just as suspected it was hell on earth…but I stood strong for the man that I loved with all my heart and soul. It was tough though…with the puking…the weight loss…the hair loss…and of course his loss of sexuality. I felt as if I were helpless…felt as if my whole world was crumbling at my feet and then everything that I once held so dear came crashing at my feet in an instant.

“I’m sorry…but the chemo treatments are not working” the Doctor said as we sat huddled once again in the office after the hell of those chemo treatments had passed. “In fact the cancer has spread” Six little words that virtually killed me where I sat. He was dying and there was nothing that modern medicine or I could do to stop it. They offered us other courses of action…but with no real hope of recovery and after much discussion we opted to forgo those options and let time take its course. Our home became something other then our home as we brought in the necessary supplies to keep him as comfortable as possible. He was declining quickly and despite the fact that I tried like hell to ignore it…the cold hard truth of the matter was that little by little he was leaving me.

Each day he would get a little worse until keeping him in the semi-comforts of our home was not an option any longer. He was so angry with me when I gave the ok to have him transported to the hospital and the room that would be his shroud of death. He literally refused to talk to me for a full three days…but eventually his stubbornness subsided at the severe tongue lashing of our good friend Emmett Honeycutt. I knew why he was angry and I knew that it wasn’t at me. He was angry that life was slowly slipping away from his grasp…angry that he would never be the huge success that he prayed for with his new work endeavor. He was angry because we had only been given a short time together as lovers…despite the fact that we had known each other for over twenty years. He was angry because he would not see his child grow up to become the person that they were supposed to be. He was just angry in general and who could blame him…because I was just as angry as he was…if not more.

I stood by his side unconditionally…but soon the stresses of watching your love die right before you eyes can become way to much. I tired to hide it…but as usual I was unsuccessful in my plight and he knew it. I knew the end was near one night as we lay in as comfortable silence that is allowed with the beeping of machines and the constant monitoring or nurses. “I love you…you know that right?” he asked me out of the blue as I held him within my arms as we lay across the hospital bed that had basically become his home.

“I know…” was my response as I stared into hollow eyes that were once so filled with such unstoppable light. “I love you too” I vowed…kissing him tenderly upon thin lips that once brought me to such heights with just the softest of caresses. “Now get some sleep” I ordered…as I attempted to pull him as gently as possible back against my body.

“I know that I can’t pleasure you in the ways that I once could… so…” he began to speak…pulling out of my embrace fully with a painful grimace upon his face. “So…I want you to go and find someone…want you to take them back to the loft and fuck their brains out”

“What…no” I cried out astonished as I slide off of the bed and began to pace the length of the small room. “Why would you tell me something like that?” I asked in accusation…trying to control the anger that quickly inhabited myself.

“Jesus…you’ve been here every day and every night since I’ve been put in this hell hole. You’ve never left my side and as much as I love you for it…it’s killing me inside as well” I watched as tears glistened in his once soulful eyes…only to never fall for the energy to expel them was just to great. “Your healthy and still somewhat young” his tears turned into sad laughter. “You have needs that I can’t accommodate for you anymore. You need to move on…need to find some release before you lose you sanity. I know this…you know this and I am more then ok with it” he words went on…as did my pacings.

“No…I won’t do that to you…I can’t” I nearly screamed as I forced myself to sit down in a nearby chair before I fell down from the shock of his words.

“You can and you will. Only I asked one thing…being the selfish prick that I am” he chuckled sadly again…looking up at me with eyes flashing with determination. “You can only fuck them once…and I want you to think of me while your doing it” laughter turned to tearful as he reached out his hand to me. “Remember the way that we used to drive each other crazy when we made love. The long Sundays in bed where we did nothing but torture and tease each other until the sheets were covered with our sweat and our cum. Remember the way that we clung to each other afterwards…because that’s what I will remember the most when my time comes”

“Please don’t talk like this…I beg of you” I pleaded…grasping onto the hand out stretched before me. “I can’t do that to you…to us”

“Promise me…promise me that you will do this for me. I need to know that you will do this before I can truly be at peace. Just don’t forget that I am still here is all I ask. I love you so much and I still need you by my side. Promise me”

And so I did…I promised him. Hell…I would have promised him the moon and the stars if it would have removed the tearful…haunted look that permeated his eyes as he gazed up at me. I made him the promise that he needed to hear…with no intentions of following through despite it. However…that very night after leaving his room I headed straight to Babylon…right into the back room where I proceeded to pick up what was to become the first of many tricks before the end. I don’t know why I did it. It was just automatic…as if I had no control of my own and despite the physical release…it nearly crippled me in the aftermath.

After that the tricks became abundant and my trips to the hospital decreased dramatically. I felt as if I was dying inside each time that I entered his room…only to find him a little bit paler…a little more weightless and completely not the robust man who invaded my thoughts constantly. I never spoke of my indiscretions…but I knew that I didn’t have to. He knew…he knew without having to speak a word what I was up to. He knew why the visits became less frequent…and why I would rarely touch him when I was there. He knew it all…and I knew that he understood…but that didn’t stop the constant piercing pain of my heart because of my actions. Eventually they all found out. It was unbelievable the uproar that it caused…but he…always the stanch defender of myself put all hurtful words to rest. He explained to them that it was his deathbed wish for me to find peace again and that he didn’t want to hear another word about it. They abided by his wishes in the privacy of his hospital room…but when we were away from him it became a completely different story. I was called every name in the book….was constantly reminded of my selfishness and arrogance. They threatened to disown me from the little family that had been such a huge part of both of our lives once he left us…and despite the fact that their words cut like a knife through my already broken heart…how could I blame them?

END OF FLASHBACK…

Her words continue to whirl round and round in my head as I continue to lay here…completely and emotionally exhausted. I can’t seem to move…can’t seem to get the energy to flex a single muscle for the task that I know that I must do. I have to do this for him…have to give the only man that I have ever loved…who has ever loved me back as powerfully as I have loved him permission to leave me…permanently. Again the urge to cry…sob…purge my very soul of this pain is great…but I cannot. I can’t shed one single tear for the man who means everything important and not so important in my life. How can I live in a life that doesn’t have his very presence in it? How am I expected to go on as if his death has left me untouched? Closing my eyes I force myself to exit the bed that we have shared to many memories on to count. The pain in my joints as I walk slowly towards that same metal door she has left through mere moments ago…is almost unbearable. However…it is nothing compared to the every settling pain surging through my heart.

They don’t’ say a word as I enter the room…they don’t have to because their eyes filled with disgust and hate say it all. I ignore them…pretend that they are not even there as I make my way over to the side of the bed. I can see the hurt in his eyes as well as complete understanding as he slowly reaches his hand out to me. “Hey…Mikey” he says winded…fighting for breath despite the air tubes pulsing oxygen into his dying body. I hear the sounds of their tears…the hitching of breath as they huddle together in loving support as I fight my own urge to lose it right there. “Away” he speaks…pulling his eyes from where they have been locked on mine towards the huddled masses. “You…alone” he speaks so softly that I almost can’t hear him…but even without words I already know what he needs.

“Get out…” I speak as calmly as I can as I turn to face their horrified faces.

“Are you fucking insane” the shrill voice of my mother screams out above the stunned voices. “Were not going anywhere you little shit and besides…”

“I said get the fuck out before I have you thrown out. He wants to be alone…with me” I stammer a bit…swallowing the pain trying to claw its way out of my throat. “Get out or I will @#%$ have you kicked out”

“We just want to say our goodbyes Michael” I hear Lindsey sob as she steps up before me…tears of pain so evident within her eyes that it nearly causes my own resolve to break.

“Then say goodbye and then leave” I reply softly…for despite how angry and ashamed I am for my actions there is no way that I can deny the women who has been such a huge part of Brian’s life the right to say a proper goodbye. “Please…” it barely comes out as a whisper as she continues to look at me with pure understanding.

“Thank you…” she whispers as she leans in and kisses me softly upon my cheek. Closing my eyes I relish the only shred of friendship I have received from any of my family and friends since this whole ordeal has happened. Nodding…I turn to look at the ones standing behind her with looks of pure shock and non-understanding upon their faces…but I ignore them. Pulling away from their hateful looks I turn to face my husband…my lover…giving him as much of a smile as I can before stepping out into the hallway to give them the time they need to say goodbye. I know that my time with Brian is short…but I know that he will wait for me before he leaves me forever.

“If it makes any difference to you…I know why you did the things that you did” I hear Justin speak softly beside me. I hadn’t even heard him walk up to me…too deep in thought I guess as I remembered all the good and not so good times I have had with Brian. I can only look at him unspeaking as the tears that have been waiting to burst free begin to leak from my eyes. I know if anyone were to understand my need…our needs that he would be the one. He loves Brian just as passionately as I do…maybe more…but years of unwavering love and friendship won over anything that he may have held towards him. “And that I am here for you anytime that you need me…anytime” he emphasizes firmly…kissing me quickly upon my lips before he pulls me into his arms.

“Thank you Justin” I speak softly…clawing at his back as I close my eyes and savor the only loving physical contact I have received…aside from Lindsey’s in a long time. “Can I talk to you later” I asked…finally breaking the embrace as I stare into eyes of blue that I know I can trust with my very life.

“Sure…” is his response as he kisses me once again…standing beside me as if in protection as one by one the tight knit group that I was once such a part of exits my loves room. They don’t say a word…they don’t have a chance to as Justin glares as them as if in a dare to speak one harsh word to me. I don’t know where this extreme loyalty has come from…but I am thankful for it as I grace him with a small smile before nodding towards the room where he will say a final goodbye to his first true love. I can feel them nearby…can feel their hate and scorn as taking a deep breath I turn to face the music now that my protector is gone.

“You have me all alone now” is my simple down trodden reply as I look them one by one in the eye. “Do your worst. Let me know what a rotten bastard I’ve been. Ream me a new asshole for letting the man that I love down. Come on…” my words get louder as I take a step towards the still silent crowd. “But know this before you do…I love Brian with a love so pure and so deep that none of you will ever understand it…and he loves me back just as passionately”

“Oh baby…” I hear my mother cry out tearfully as she pulls me into her arms…smothering my face with messy lipstick kisses. “I’m so sorry baby” her cries continue as she pulls me so tightly against her body that I can no longer breath.

“Sis…let the boy breath” I hear my Uncle Vic speak just as tearfully behind me as he pulls my mother from off of me…handing her off to Ted as he too pulls me into his arms. “I love you Mikey” he whispers in my ear. “And I am so sorry for ever doubting the love that you hold for Brian”

“Thanks Uncle Vic…” I reply in tears myself as he kisses me upon the cheek before retrieving my mother from where she has a strangle hold on poor Ted.

“A chorus of I love yous and forgiveness echo around me as one by one the ones that mean the most to me pull me into their tight circle of love and understanding. Old hurts are forgotten as with a final kiss to all they leave me alone in the hallway as I prepare to say my final goodbye to Brian Kinney…love of my life.

“Call me when you’re up to it” I hear Justin sniffle near me once again as if out of nowhere. Nodding…because truth be told I just can’t speak right now for fear of losing it completely…I pull him into my embrace. “I know I’ve never told you this before Michael…but I love you. Your like the older brother that I never wanted…but got stuck with anyways” he laughs sadly…causing me to laugh slightly despite my retched tears. With another heartbreaking smile…one that doesn’t quite reach his baby blues he leaves me alone once again to face the reality that tonight will be the last night that I ever see my beloved alive again. Time wasting…I take several cleansing breaths before I enter the room…putting on a brave front as I force a smile across my darkened features.

“Here…” he speaks heavily as he lays his hand atop the empty space beside him. With that same forced smile upon my face I lower the side bar before climbing as gently as possible onto the bed beside my love. For a few moments we just lay here in complete and utter silence as we cherish the precious few moments that we have together. Closing my eyes I inhale the scent of the man whom has been the largest part of my life from the first moment I laid eyes on him over twenty years ago. Tears once again threaten to erupt from my eyes…but I force them away because come hell or high water I don’t want him to see me bawling like a baby during his final moments of earth.

“Do you remember the first time we met?” I ask…chucking slightly as I recall that very moment…pulling him as tight as I dare against my slightly trembling skin.

“Detention…Freshman year” he responds with a small smile upon his lips as he looks up at me with laughter in his eyes…causing my heart to swell just a bit for I haven’t seen a light like this in some time now.

“It was your first week and you already had detention for beating up some kid who called you a fag” I chuckle sadly…widening the smile that I still have across my face.

“Fra..framed” he struggles with the words as he lays his head upon my chest.

“Still sticking to that story I see” my laughter became more real as I lay my cheek upon his fevered forehead. “You seem to forget that the reason I was also in detention that day was because I had witnessed the whole thing and when questioned I refused to rat you out”

“I Remember. You…loved me…even then”

“I did…” I speak truthfully. “I saw you standing there all brave and strong dealing with that homophobic bully and I knew that you were the man that I was going to be with for the rest of my life” my laughter continues…already knowing that I sound like some stupid schoolgirl…but not caring.

“Me…to…” I heard him wheeze…instead of the smart remark I was preparing for. “Know don’t say enough…but…I love you Michael…always have…always will” he rushes out…quickly loosing his breath as he fights to pull what he needs back into his lungs.

“No more talking” I speak softly…placing my hand gently over his contracting lips. “Just listen…” I take a few of my own deep breaths as I lay my head on the pillow level with the gaunt face of the greatest love of my life. “I love you so much Brian Kinney…more then you will ever comprehend. I don’t regret one single moment of our lives leading up to this very moment. Just knowing you has made me the man that I am today and I want to thank you for that. You’ve been my rock…my savior…the one who forced me to move forward when all I wanted to do was hang back. You’ve given me the courage to take chances that I would have never taken otherwise. You are the love of my life…my soul mare for eternity and no one will ever take your place. I will love you till it is my time to meet again…wherever it is that fags like us go after death” I attempt at a joke…smiling a real smile as the gleam in his eye brightens for just another moment more. “I love you…and I hate the fact that life has lead us down this path…but I know that it’s now time for me to let go”

He tries to speak again…but the words won’t or can’t come as a few stray tears linger within his eyes. “I want to be a selfish @#%$ Brian and keep you here with me forever…but I know that I can’t do that. So go…with my blessing and end all of this suffering…because I know you are suffering” the tears that I had been holding back finally get the better of me as he gazes up at me with eyes so full of thankful understanding that I can no longer hold them back. With careful measures I watched as he lifts the heaviness of his head…watch as he slowly slides his way across the small distance between us as he lays his forehead upon my own in an age old Brian and Mikey ritual. He still hasn’t uttered a word…but he doesn’t have to for I hear the words loudly within my minds eye. He loves me…he doesn’t want to leave me…but he knows that he has to. With tears flowing down my face…despite my urge to stop them he leaves me. It’s nothing grand…nothing expected in the grand Brian tradition…but in its own way it is the most precious gift that he could have ever given me. Complete and utter loss envelope me as I finally lose the thin veil of sanity that was loosely holding me together as I continue to lay with the man whom I know I will be joining in the end. It’s not a sacred threat of suicide…but knowledge that life will not be bearable without him in it. It will not be today…not even tomorrow but in the near future once I have assured that the people that I love are well cared for. “I’ll be with you soon my love” I whisper against his unmoving lips as I kiss them tenderly one last time before nurses and doctors galore enter his room in preparation of his body until the time comes to lay him in the ground.

“Come on Michael…it’s time to take you home” I hear the angelic voice of Justin whisper tearfully as he encases his arm around my shoulder…leading me towards the door. I don’t try to fight him…I can’t because I just don’t have the strength to do it anymore. Silent tears continue to fall…but not a word or a sound is uttered as we drive down the empty streets of Liberty Avenue. I am as together as I can be as he leads me from the car…into the elevator and through the metal door of the loft. One look…that’s all it takes…one look at the place that was once his home…then became our home and I lose it all. Falling to the floor the anguished cries of sheer loss over burden me. I can’t control it…and in truth don’t want to as I cry…scream….become incensed that he has left me and now I am all alone once again. Justin attempts to help me…but I am so angry…so @#%$ angry at everything that has happened in the last few months that all I can do is lash out at him. My fists pummel the tender flesh of his youth…marring it with huge ugly welts and bruises but I don’t care. I want him to hurt…want anyone to share the pain that has literally consumed my entire being. I don’t know how he does it…but he eventually gets me to the bed. Spent…I don’t even try to struggle as he removes my clothing until I am in nothing but my underwear. My weight is almost dead as he struggles to lay me down…only to fall besides me as I latch onto his arm in pure fear of being alone. He doesn’t say a word…just lays down beside me…pulling me into his arms as he hold me tightly. “It’s ok Michael…” he soothes…pulling the comforter up over our combines bodies. “I’m here for you until your ready. I’ll help you in any way that I can until you are ready to be with him again. I’m not even surprised that he gets it and for the first time in a long time…I share with him a real smile.

“Thank you…” I croak…closing my eyes as I dream of the day where Brian and I will be together once again…for all eternity.

The End…


End file.
